The Caveat

 caveat - intimation of caution, hint, warning, admonition

    I could also just put a sign up at the top of the page, "Enter at your own risk," but here we go, I am going to start this new blog with a little background and the warning birthed out of it.

    I used to blog a lot. In fact, if you click over on my profile you will find a shortened list of my many, many blogs, including the original, and the one where I published the most, "My Walk of Faith." I have more than 500 blogs posted there between April 2008 and September 2019, with a very shortened 2016 and 2019 and a total absence in '17 and '18. But for most of those years, I had a lot... a LOT, to say.  I can only hope some of it was of value... Even the "address" to the blog declares the warning, "dianalovestowrite...." 

    I'm a good writer. God has given me a gift for, as my mother used to say, "painting pictures with words." I'm big on word pictures, and I am a story teller... in the allegory and parable sense, or maybe just entertainment sense sometimes, though hopefully with a message; but not the deception sense, just to clarify, I try very hard not to lie or deceive, integrity is important to me.  In fact, if anything, I am painfully frank and transparent.  Be warned, the pain is more likely to be yours than mine.  What's the phrase? Cringe worthy? Yes, that's been known to happen... but I digress (which if you also find painful, I will warn you now, happens a lot.  Like a LOT, a lot.) 

    I've written countless blogs, poems, stories, published two novels and had the privilege of telling many stories in person.  Oh boy here it comes, the nitty-gritty.  I wrote, and I taught from the Bible a lot for a lot of years.  I loved it. I was good at it. Oh man, I REALLY loved it.  I felt so much like I was right where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing when I was standing on a stage or at a podium sharing God's word. The biggest charge for me, was seeing someone get something they hadn't gotten before.  Some nugget of truth or new revelation or understanding about God's Word, or about His love for them.  Mmmm... yeah, that's the stuff.  But it came with a very difficult battle.  One I heard the Lord speak to me the other night...

    "Always arrogance and ego," that's the phrase that came to mind as I journaled to Him.  I was journaling to Him about the possibility of starting this blog, which as it happens, I also think was His suggestion during a previous journal session (another form of writing I have done a lot but also long neglected.)  I even think He came up with the title, "Grumbling in the Desert," which I will explain in a future blog, but so you know, I don't come off well in that one. Digression, I warned you it would happen. 

    So, "always arrogance and ego..." that was a warning... to me (that I pass on to you).  Because here's the thing, my human nature and flesh are alive and well and living a strong life.  And even though those days when I would get such a charge out of teaching God's Word, or imparting truth or Truth through a story or poem, were well-intentioned and even came out of the good (better?) corners and crevices of my heart, there's this need for recognition and even personal glory that get in the way.  

    I want to matter.  I want what I say (or write) to matter.  I want to be profound and impactful, and I want people to appreciate it, maybe even admire me for it. I want people to be impressed.  It's why I do things like include mentioning my novels up above.  I want you to be impressed by my two little books that I self-published to a small but encouraging readership.  I want to matter. I want what I do to matter, and I want someone (maybe anyone) to be proud or impressed. Blech... my ego makes me want to throw up a little. 

    So in all honesty, starting to write again is a little scary to me.  Honestly not so much because I worry about my ego getting too big, but I worry about it taking too big of a beating. What if no one cares what I have to say? What if no one reads it? Doesn't like what they read? God forbid, calls me out or disagrees with me?  What if they think less of me? What if I do this, and it just doesn't matter?  If I don't do anything, I don't have to worry about what anyone thinks... not of me, not of what I do. But what if this really is a "God idea," and I say no? 

    I did learn something when I have written and spoken in the past.  It's something God spoke to my heart and I know to the depth of my very being, and have preached to others, but in reality, is hard to remember when my ego gets in the way.  And that's this, what God sees as important is different than what I see in my worldly way.  God might fill a room with a thousand people, a hundred-thousand even, and a speaker may come ready and hoping to touch them all... but if even only one person is ministered to, God still sees it as important.  In fact, He might fill a stadium just to get that one person there to tell them about Himself, or His love for them, or any other eternal Truth He wants them to hear. Also I know, that even if every person in that stadium is touched by what a speaker has to say (or better, what God speaks through them), God is the one who touched them, and He touched each one in a very individual and personal way. He's no cookie cutter God, He is real, personal and intimate. It's how and Who He is... ego-free Himself. 

    I also know that the beauty of writing comes in the way it lasts (though I suppose this would also apply to a recorded spoken word). What I am saying is I may have written a blog back in 2013 that someone will stumble across in 2030, and God can still use it, to minister, teach, encourage... Think about the greats (who I am NOT comparing myself to) like Tozer, CS Lewis, Oswald Chambers, and even more modern writers (still not comparing) like Max Lucado and Francis Chan-- their written words can and will (have) outlive(d) them, therefore likewise their impact and ministry will (has) survive(d) beyond the grave.  My written words will outlive me as well.  

    Man, can you hear my battle? It's here-- pride vs. purpose, talent vs. gift (they are different but similar), ego vs intention, arrogance vs. passion.... The battle is real and it is constant, and it is alive and strong in me, and by extension, it will be here in this blog. When you come here (IF you come here) to read my words, you enter into my battle, which hopefully the good and God win out, but I know they won't always.  I want you here.  I want you to read my words. I want to be a positive influence that makes an impact in your life. I want my words to matter... and I don't want to want it.  I also want to be able to just do what I feel like the Lord is leading me to do.  I want to want to write and share what He wants me to write and share, and I want to want to do it even if no one reads it, because I want to want to put it (confidently) in God's hands and trust Him to use it for His purpose, or not.  I want to want to be OK if it's whole purpose is just to get it out of me.  I want to want for it to be for me all about His glory and none of my own.  The battle, my wants vs my want to wants.  They're here.  If you come, you will find yourself in the midst of them.

    Here comes a little of my pride, please know, I am not asking for you to point out my pride.  I'm not asking you to call me out... though, (gulp,) if you know that you know, I'm not asking you to tell God "no," but also know I believe God tends to build relationship before that happens... "wounds of a friend..."  If my words mean nothing to you, OK, I'm sorry to have wasted your time, thanks for stopping by.  If my words encourage you or impart some truth to you or just make you feel better, I would love to be encouraged in return, but it's not required.  Again, appreciated... but not required. 

    I don't know exactly how all of this translates into the practical.  I hesitate to set requirements and rules for myself (I must post ____ times per week, I must not post more often than ____ per week...) I want to do what God wants me to. (I actually want it, I don't just want to want it.) So that may mean I go three weeks between posts or it may mean there will be some days I post three times (though I don't anticipate that...)  I just want to try really hard to listen and when asked or led, to share. I have a lot of things I already feel like He's putting on my heart, but I want to be sure.  It reminds me of something, for me a word picture that my first real pastor ever shared.  He held his Bible out in front of him and was talking about teaching.  He pretended to scoop into the Bible and grab a handful of... wisdom? Truth? God's Word? Pick what works for you... And then he pretended to throw it out to the audience, and the gist of what He said, is that that was NOT good teaching.  No.  Good teaching, he said is this... and this time, he reached in and scooped out of the Bible again, and then he took the handful and pounded it into his own chest and held it there.  And then he reached back into himself, and he threw that out into the audience.  That's my goal here. Not to proselytize or even preach, but to share.  To give a little insight about whatever God gives insight to me. I want to be real, and transparent, open, and I want to share what I am learning from the very personal, loving and intimate God who loves me, ego and all, and might even be willing to use me as a vessel of insight, wisdom and or truth while I battle here in my own walk of faith, this leg of my journey with Him even while you can find me in this season of Grumbling in the Desert. 

Welcome this way, come on it to my desert....